Hope of life, the Crushing Blow! (Part One)
With as many as one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage or the infant being stillborn, many couples experience the grief of losing a child.
No this blog is not inspired by recent news about Pamela Anderson's very unfortunate miscarriage. It is, however, inspired by my own personal experience as an expecting father, a husband, and brother. It is especially dedicated to a very special couple who's daughter was stillborn yesterday, Thursday November 9th, 2006.
This is my first time sharing and communicating my experience with miscarriage. I am not a woman. I am a man. I have wept at the feet of my wife and at the alter before my God. I have questioned what caused it, I have asked God why, I have believed there was a reason, I have raised my hands and my voice to God and expressed to Him that it wasn't fair and how angry it had made me. My wife and I experienced this 5 times. Four (4) of them over a 3 year period between 1997 and 1999.
My brother and his wife experienced this as many times with one exception. They too had a child who was prematurely born and died very soon after birth. In both cases we were trying to get pregnant and have our families. My brother and his wife had a daughter, adopted two others, then had a son. They are now busy with three children that are 3 years old or younger, and feel very blessed. My wife and I were finally blessed in '00 with a son. He is our miracle child. In '03, we experienced another miscarriage. This was the hardest of all of them. This pregnancy was further along than any other time when we experienced a miscarriage, and it was the first time that we knew without going to the doctor for verification that we had miscarried. The visual evidence was clear and without question. I can still see that child's 2.5" body, as if it happened yesterday, lying in the semi clear water at the bottom of the toilet bowl, and weeping for another child I would never see become a person. The numbness, the buzzing feeling in your heart, the hurt and the memory are still very much a part of me today.To the children who never take a breath; Our hearts ache for the memories of you that we will never have and for the memories of you we do have.
18 comments:
Fatty-
THANK YOU for visiting my blog, I appreciate the comment.
I often wonder.... had any of our earlier pregnancies come to fruition, would we blessed with the young man, of six years, that we have today?
I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world... I am sure, that had any of the other pregnancies resulted in a better outcome, I would feel the same about them....
I guess I am storing family up that I'll meet one day in the next life!
Thank you Trish,
...Most kind words, and flattering as well. I aspire to be a "good kind man" as much as I can and I truly hope that I am.
It is also humbling to be described that way.
Thank you for reading Trish.
It is a pleasure to meet you as well.
Kevin -
I really do not think that I could handle losing a child. Your courage is outstanding - I am sure your wife is glad to have you by her side.
Nice to meet ya.
I've had 3 miscarriages. People look at us with our one kid and figure that was all we wanted. No, we wanted more. But it wasn't meant to be. Miscarriage is devestating; there is no two ways about it. I am blessed with my son. My husband also feels blessed. Yes, we imagined at least one more. I actually understand the reasons for the miscarriages in two of the cases; the third may have been stress related. What can you do but play the hand that God deals you and be grateful for the good? I have a friend who is adopting children because of her continuous miscarriaging--something to do with her hormone levels. It's hard because there are so many families who don't want kids and mistreat the ones they have. Our job is to accept the good and bad with grace--not easy, I know, but I've been there. And being a woman versus man has nothing to do with it--yes, we suffer physically and our emotions might be a result of that miscarriage, but fathers love their children too.
Baron:
I never thought I could handle it either, let alone five times. it's amazing... the old adage: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Thank you for making your way here.
EOR:
It is still too easy for me to get angry thinking about what we went through. The hardest part hasn't been dealing with the loss, it's been dealing with the undealt with emotions and hurt that we went through as a result. It took my wife a long time to let me in. The door is just now only slightly open. I can only imagine what a woman goes through when she experiences a miscarriage. It hasn't been for my lack of trying to imagine, that's for darn sure.
You touch on several areas that I am currently writing about for my next part on this topic. My heart truly aches for those that experience this kind of heartbreak.
We cannot change the past and we can either deal with it, hide it, or run from it. The latter of those options will only produce a bottleneck of emotions or problems within ones marriage...(this I know too well.)
thats very touching.
although i know ppl who have had miscarriages, i have never really experienced it first hand.
im sorry for you loss.
raghav,
Thank you for commenting and for your kindness. It is something that is common with pregnancies. As EOR has pointed out, there are so many people who cannot have children who want them... likewise, there are so many who can have them that do not appreciate them. This is difficult for those trying to build a family and cannot.
BoB-
I feel I have met a blog mate that is a man of faith, to this we have in common. I had always hoped I would have a large family. Perhaps in the next life I will.
I wouldn't trade anything for the one I have. I thank God every day that I am able to wake up and see his smile.
Thank you!
My heart goes out to you. As I get older or maybe its because my circle of aquaintances have gotten larger, I never knew such experiences like this happened more often than I had imagined. I can only imagine the range of emotions you go through. I have a poem here that I would like to share and maybe someday your answers will come.
Have Patience With Everything Unresolved In Your Heart
- Rainer Maria Rilke
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves...
Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
Posted by Chaz on Monday, November 13, 2006 at 10:27 AM
Having gone through a miscarriage right before getting pregnant with the boys, I know the pain of such a loss. One minute, joy. The next minute, wondering how you are going to go on. It was like losing a limb. You felt helpless and no one could help. No matter how sympathetic they were. No one understands this better than those of us who actually have gone through the process.
My sympathies to you and Karin, because you've gone through this more times that any human should have to. But I know that when I get to Heaven I'm going to meet a precious soul with my eyes and Jon's great smile. Just think of the brood you guys will get to meet!!!
Tia... you made me cry.
I didn't know I still any of that in me. But reading "my eyes and Jon's great smile" was almost like putting a face to those I've never met yet. I cried.
I didn't know it was still in me. Perhaps the loss never really leaves us?
Thank you , thank you, thank you for your comment.
hugs,
Kevin
Charlie (Chaz, Chuck... what's your pref?)... where have you been all my life? Yes, we definitely have to get together and discuss the ol' days.
I can honestly say I have not been through that particular experience, however, having been in the place of knowing that your child may not be with you very much longer is a position that I wish on no human. I know that the process and experience never goes away, thank God that He is there to help us in everyway. Knowing that each life is a precious gift the only knowledge that is comforting to me is that God must have needed that particular child a lot more than this earth did. Maybe a harsh way to look at it, but I have come to the conclusion that HE really does know better. I agree that no human should have to experience that once let alone mutliple times. God bless you guys for your perservance. Luv U!
Wow..Kevin! I am really glad that you shared this!! You mad me cry!! I think the next time I see you I will have to bite your belly!! lol On a more serious note...I want you and Karen to know how much I look up to you guys! You have been in my life since before I can remember!! You both have been great friends to my parents and to my family! I cant even imagine the pain that you felt..but I know that God has a plan and it is far greater than we can imagine!! I have to tell myself that everyday!! I know he has sooo much in store for our lives..i cant even begin to know what it will all entail..(sp) You and Karen are so strong and I am blessed to be able to learn from both of you!! Love you!!!
Katelyn
Kate dear,
awww shucks, you deserve to be Queen!
No more belly biting, and I am flattered with your opinion of Karin and I.
Just know, we will be always be there for you as well. We love your mom and dad. Your dad is one of my truest and dearest friends, as is your family.
I'll cherish these kind words forever. They are much better than the ones you use to use.. HA!
Kev
Jani
You always write from the heart. I appreciate that about you.
I, as well, could not imaginge going through what you went through.
I agree with you that God knows best.
Thank you for your blessings... many blessings and much love to you as well.
dear kevin,
what a lovely and sorrow-filled post. my very preemie baby was 1.5 to 2 lbs at birth, but lived, despite all the odds. but ... he lived with a damaging birth defect. and so we gave him to the hands of those who could serve him better than we could. parenting is so very joyous and so very pain-filled all at once. oh, how g-d must feel about us!
my older sister - a nurse of 15 years at the time and a mother of one daughter - had a stillborne son. her only son. she had high blood pressure, and the doc put her on bed rest. but she had her dtr and her abusive hubby's 3 kids to look after. and all that. so she did the best she could. and ... being a nurse its torture, knowing so intimately all the things that can go wrong.
and then the day came. when she felt no fetal movement. 8 months pregnant. and do you know they were not going to induce her? they wanted to make her wait to have it ...?
my heart cries out for stories such as this. i have also experienced this thru my nursing practice. still, my heart cried. even for a stranger it cried.
a happier miscarriage story. my cousin was an xray tech for many years. then she met her guy and got married. all she wanted, all her life to that point, was lots of kids and to be a SAHM. they had 13 - yes 13 - miscarriages before having their first of 5 kids. today she is in her early 60s and her children are grown, and lovely and she mothered them all the way she dreamed she would.
just wanted to share a happy story, since i seem to have so many sad ones.
kevin - its wonderful to meet you. and know there are still good men out there, like you. thanx for visiting my blog.
regards ... and, tho it sounds trite, my deepest sorrows go out to those parents. tho my experience of losing a child is vastly different, i know of nothing else more painful.
best regards to you. enjoy your week.
TPR-
Thank you for sharing something so personal and so obviously heart wrenching for you.
If my wife would have still wanted to try, I would have been right there with her. I'm not sure how many times I could have tried unsuccessfully, but I would have tried as many times as she was mentally able. It took it's toll on us mentally, physically, and spiritually. She put too much pressure on herself when it came to thinking that I would be better off if I were married to someone else who could bear me children. That was never an issue with me and actually made me angry she felt that way. If we would have never been able to have children, I would have been right there with her, if she allowed.
To have tried so many times and then to be blessed with so many children is truly a testimony to perseverance!
Thank you for the encouraging story and the kind words. I truly hope I am good man. I strive to be the best I can be and to be as sincere as I can. I feel truly blessed to have you share your story with me.
-Kevin
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