The busy season is upon me...

This is the time of year when I get the most busy with my business.
My blogging will have to take a temporary hiatus.
Hope all had a Great Thanksgiving and Best Wished to ALL!

Be back when I can.

The Hope of Life (Part 4.5)

On this day, ThanksGiving 2006, I wanted to add a small blurb to preface part 5 and to let my family, all my family, know that I am thankful for them.

I thank God for His grace, I have been blessed by His Grace in more ways than anyone will ever know... especially recently. I thank God for His mercy, without it I would not be able to extend mercy to others.

I thank God for my wife, Karin, and best friend. We have been through it and are coming out stronger than anyone knew was ever possible.

I thank God for the miracle boy that has blessed my life, my son Zack. May I be the ensample and example of a Godly father and husband for him and his life to come.

Lastly, I am truly thankful for those who have shown their true friendship to me and my family over the last three months. God truly reveals all hidden things and provides grace and mercy to meet all of our needs. He has placed some wonderful new found friends in my life and has reinforced those friendships that have existed for years. He knows how to prune and gardens better than I ever could on my own.

Be blessed,
A True Friend

Hope of Life.... (Part 4) the Crushing Blow

In any of our previous 4 miscarriages, we lost the baby before we had hit the suppose safe zone of 12 weeks. Usually between 6 and 10 weeks. We had the genetic testing done, went through the extra procedures. My wife's OBGYN suggested we see a specialist in Indianapolis. We chose not too, and as per Part Three we were blessed with our son. When he was 3 1/2 we found out we were pregnant, which was a total surprise. We had either been using the pill or condoms to prevent from getting pregnant. (It's my blog, so I can impose a bit of selfishness here.... I wanted to try again, sooner than later, to have more children.) So it came as a huge surprise when we took yet another home pregnancy test (we know which ones are the best, we've used them enough) and discovered we were pregnant, about 3 weeks pregnant.

We schedule another appointment, go to the OBgyn, have another sonogram to verify we are pregnant, my wife is prescribed what has become the standard progesterone suppositories for us at this point, and sent home. A couple of weeks later, she starts having some spotting, we return to the Dr. to find she has a bleed on the other side of her uterus. My wife was diagnosed as having a bicornuate uterus during our first pregnancy. (Basically means her uterus is heart shaped and can have a monthly cycle on one side and be pregnant on the other side... also lends to having a higher risk of miscarriage.) We are sent home with immediate bed rest and weekly visits to see if the bleed is being reabsorbed.

We made it to 12 weeks. On the very day we reached the 12 week goal, we felt we were out of the woods. The only other time we made it this far was with our son. We felt comfortable enough to break out the baby name book again and start discussing names. We had told our son a couple of weeks previous that mom and dad were pregnant and he would be expecting a baby brother or sister. He said he wanted a brother, for sure! He was telling everyone he was going to have a brother, and that was that, no question about it.

We were all sitting on the couch discussing names and commenting how grateful we were that we had made it to 12 weeks. My wife and I had this look of relief on our faces and with our body language. We could finally enjoy the fact we were pregnant. Perhaps the heartbreak was all over, that we would have another successful pregnancy. My wife headed for the restroom while my son and I discussed his little sibling who was on the way. Then, a defining moment in our live's happened. It was unexpected and would later cause many problems during our next 3 years of marriage. Almost ending it in fact. It would be heartbreaking, bitter, and unforgettable.

My wife opened the door to the bathroom with tears in her eyes and shock on her face. I had a chill and goose bumps go up and down my spine. "NO!.... it couldn't be, not again, maybe it's not that bad, the look though.... it's bad" I was thinking to myself in a split instant of time. She asked that I come in, "What is it?" I asked. "Come here...." she said with tears filling her beautiful blue eyes and a look of sadness. She looked like a like a little girl that didn't know what to do, standing there looking at me, waiting for me to get up and come to the bathroom. Everything moved in slow motion. It seemed like it took me for ever to stand up, let alone walk the 30 feet to the bathroom door. All the while we were staring at each other, me with a look of shock, she with a look of loss. I paused at the door with her for a moment, I was afraid to know more, I was afraid to go through the door. What would I find? Is it really that bad?
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I came from a family of real, half, step, and ex-step siblings. To date, I have 6 brothers and a sister. At one time there were up to 9 people living in our house, and one dog... his name was tar-dog and the first time I met him, he bit me... the bastard. Anyway, I couldn't imagine growing up without a housefull of brothers and sisters. My wife has a brother and a sister as well. I only knew one person growing up who had no brother or sisters, her name was Vicky Mulholland, and her mom and dad were like a mom and dad to me. They were always throwing the neighborhood parties and special get togethers. I am sure to fill their daughters time with people her age. I just couldn't imagine growing up without a brother or a sister. Being the only one... "how lonely that must be" I used to think.
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I looked into my wife's eyes, she was afraid to tell me, she was unsure, but what she thought she saw was heartbreaking. She told me it was probably going to be "gross" to see, but she needed me to check and see... she thinks she just lost the baby. I looked past her, at the toilet, and then looked back at her. It took me forever to walk the three steps in and look into the toilet bowl. In the midst of the blood tainted, pink, but still clear water was a sight that to this day, 2 1/2 years later, I can see as if it just happened. There in the bottom laid our little child, all few inches of him or her. With unmistakable features. Tiny hands, tiny feet, laying there as if asleep. No movement, just still. My heart froze over. I was in disbelief. "But we made it, we made it to 12 weeks" I kept telling myself. All I wanted to do was to lift that little life that was and hold it, to grieve, to love. I know that may sound disturbing, but to me, a life is a life, and this was a life lost. My wife came over to my shoulder, asked if it was the baby. "Yeah babe" I said with a tone looking for forgiveness that I had to share this experience with her. I didn't know whether to take the small lifeless body out of the toilet to take to the Dr. for testing... or, to flush it. I flushed it.

"I'm sorry" she said. We hugged and held each other, all the while our son was watching us and now asking, "what happened, what's wrong?" I slowly headed to the edge of the couch and grabbed my little boys two hands, holding back tears of sorrow and bitterness that God had let this happen to us, yet again.

"Son, you know how Mommy had a baby in her tummy?" "My brother?" he asked... "Well, yes, ...(sigh) well the baby isn't in Mommy's tummy anymore. God must have seen that was baby was sick, and He has taken the baby to be with Him, to take care of the baby" "I'm not going to have a brother?" he asked with tears starting to fill his eyes now. "No honey, I'm sorry, your not going to have a brother... I'm sorry honey." "So, the baby isn't in Mommy's tummy anymore?" "No honey, he's gone on to be with Jesus."

And, a defining moment in time that will either cause us to grow stronger together, or grow colder and separated. The outcome is coming in the final part.

Longing for Love

I wrote this on the fly this morning in response to the Pink Reefer's blog today.

To long for love,
and have experienced it.

To experience love,
and be separated from it.

To be separated from love,
and to long for it.

To long for love,
and to not experience it.

waiting.....
longing....
for love to return.

Hope of Life, ....(Part Three) the dreams!

A little history.
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When I was a freshman in high school I had a dream. The morning after the dream (I didn't totally recall the dream in the morning when I woke up, but it did remind me of a prank pool of cat vomit I had) I packed up the prank vomit and went to school. That day during lunch I placed the fake vomit next to my buddies lunch tray when he wasn't looking, and alas, when he turned his head back he was stricken with disgust and wanted to know who had spit up. The table busted up with laughter I proceeded to lick up the fake vomit which totally put my buddy over the top. He soon realized it was fake and the table was in tears with laughter. Another buddy across the table, Eddy Reynolds, said "That was great, can I borrow that??" ... and then I remembered my dream.
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It was total De Ja Vue. In my dream, Eddy had asked to borrow the fake vomit and I then proceeded to tell him that I had a fake pile of dog crap as well, which he preferred and asked if I could bring it over to his house after school.

I didn't want to mess up the dream, so I replied to Eddy the way I had in the dream, "Yeah, and I have a fake pile of dog crap as well!" "Cool, can I borrow it today after school?" was his reply. I was having this surreal experience that was so awesome. I had the feeling of de ja vue all my life with little instances, but this was amazing. I said sure and when I got to my next class, I began to write down the rest of my dream just as it had happened. For two reasons: one, to see prove that I wrote it before it happened, and secondly, so that I could remember with as much detail what had happened in the dream to compare later to what would eventually transpire.

_____(cont the dream)
I walked to Eddy's house about 2 blocks away. We had lived next to each other for about 6 months, but I had never been to his home. I was the new kid on the block, I had just moved to the neighborhood and the new school and hadn't had much of a chance to meet new people yet.
When i arrived at Eddy's house I rang the door bell. He answered the door with a dalmatian dog at his side which had one blue eye and one brown eye. He told me the dogs name and we proceeded down the steps into his home and I handed the fake pile of dog crap to him. When I got to the bottom of the steps I took a seat and stroked his dog while he walked down the hallway to my left. As he walked down, he said "My mom is gonna sh-t when she sees this" and he placed the fake dog doo on top of a dress that was elegantly draped over a bed and the bottom of the dress cascaded onto the floor. I told him, "...make sure and leave me out of this. Don't get me in trouble!" He came walking back all proud of himself and the dream ended.
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Every once and a while (like now) I think to look for that sealed envelope. I have never opened it, and I hope it is still around.

After school that day, I went home grabbed the doo and went to Eddy's. Everything happened exactly in the dream and my responses to him were as I had responded in the dream (I didn't want to change anything I said if all was going as the dream had... which it did.).

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With that explained....

I give great measure to my dreams. I have done extensive research to interpret dreams (here are some of my dreams) and to try and distinguish pizza from history from prophecy.

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We experienced 3 other miscarriages over the next 2 years. The last of those being in January of 1999. In February, my father in law had a massive stroke that placed in the hospital. Two brain surgeries, 6 weeks of coma and 6 weeks of rehab, brought him home in June and my wife and I much closer together as we put our loss behind us in battling for her fathers life. In March of 1999, while my wife's father was in the hospital, I had a dream:
I was at my in laws home looking out into there back yard from there kitchen window. The window, in the dream, was one those arched out windows (in reality it was a standard flat window), and I was looking out over the yard and saw two boys, one about 6 or 7 and the other was about 3 years old. They were running next to each other and the scene froze. As I looked at the two of them, I was drawn to the younger of the two. He was wearing a red and white striped shirt with blue overalls and a blue baseball cap. He had blond hair and blue eyes. As I looked at him frozen in time, I instantly knew he was my son. Out my side vision, I could tell a man came to me and put his arm around me. I began to weep as I realized the Lord was standing next to me and showing me the promise of a child. I woke up and immediately typed out the dream and emailed it to myself.

In December of '99, the day after Christmas, we found out we were pregnant again. A couple of weeks later I caught up with a couple from church that my wife and I counseled with, and I gave them a copy of the email from 9 months ago. I asked that when I was ready to share it with my wife, that they be there as witnesses to what I had shared with them. About 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I shared the dream with my wife while in the presence of the couple from church, and told her that I knew with absolute certainty, that we were having a boy. He would have blond hair, blue eyes, and wear a baseball cap.

On the day we were hoping we to find out the sex of our child, we were blessed to discover that we were indeed having a boy. We named him Zack. His name means "God has Remembered".

Another side note: In 2001 or 2002 my in laws remodeled their kitchen.... Guess what? They put in their kitchen a window that archs out!

Today he is a healthy six year old with blond hair and blue eyes, and you will not catch him going most places without his blue Detroit Tigers baseball cap (I'll explain the cap another day).

Hope of Life, the Crushing Blow (Part Two)

(PART TWO)Miscarriage statistics can be dramatic. Miscarriage reportedly occurs in 20 percent of all pregnancies. However, according to some sources, this may be an inaccurate number. Many women, before realizing a life has begun forming within them, may miscarry without knowing it-assuming their miscarriage is merely a heavier period. Therefore, the miscarriage rate may be closer to 40 or 50 percent. Of the number of women who miscarry, 20 percent will suffer recurring miscarriages.

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The first time we; and I say we because as much as it was a physical happening in my wife's body, it was an emotional & spiritual event that WE went through - the first time we miscarried was at 8 weeks and we were devastated. We were the hopeful parents that got pregnant on our first try (or so it seemed). The joy and bliss of expecting a child came to a crushing, sorrowful end... and we had to tell more people than whom we had told we were pregnant, that we were no longer pregnant. If you tell 10, 3o will know. For a couple of months we still had people coming up to us and congratulating us and we had to go through the same scenario, "Oh... thank you, but things didn't work out that way." Then we had to watch as they were horrified at what they had just done to us and we would have to let them know that they shouldn't feel bad and in the mean time we relived our sorrow.

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I woke up at 5:38am from a dream the morning Karin, my wife, had the miscarriage. In the dream, she came home and told me she was spotting and we lost the baby. First thing you need to know about me; I am a spiritual man, a Christian that believes many of our dreams are inspired by God and I have had dreams all my life that have come true. My eyes opened almost as if I had never been asleep, I gently placed my hand over my wife's belly and said "I bless this child Lord, I curse that dream." and I went back to sleep. A couple of hours later we got up, my wife comes out of the restroom and tells me she is spotting and crampy. I immediately remember the dream and go into prayer mode, quietly praying and believing my prayers will be effectual. We went to the doctor, they put Karin on bedrest and progesterone suppositories.

We miscarried....

The sonographer confirmed that we had miscarried.


I was devastated. I felt like a failure. The Lord had woken me up, given me precise direction to pray in, warned me of (what I thought at the time was preventable) what might happen... and all I did was say a quick prayer and went back to sleep.

We looked at each other after her gynecologist left the room leaving us alone. We both cried. My wife looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I'm sorry". I said something like "me too" and we hugged. We were both numb with disbelief. We had started talking about possible names, how we were going to arrange the house and our schedules... and it was over. We had a 45 minute drive home and a couple of days to deal with Karin passing more tissue and telling our closest friends and family what had happened. Oh sorrow.

The dream never left me. What's more important, is that with each of our miscarriages, with the exception of the last one, I had a dream that we lost the baby the morning before. The most important dream I had, was a year before my son was born... coming in part 3.

Hope of life, the Crushing Blow! (Part One)

With as many as one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage or the infant being stillborn, many couples experience the grief of losing a child.

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No this blog is not inspired by recent news about Pamela Anderson's very unfortunate miscarriage. It is, however, inspired by my own personal experience as an expecting father, a husband, and brother. It is especially dedicated to a very special couple who's daughter was stillborn yesterday, Thursday November 9th, 2006.

This is my first time sharing and communicating my experience with miscarriage. I am not a woman. I am a man. I have wept at the feet of my wife and at the alter before my God. I have questioned what caused it, I have asked God why, I have believed there was a reason, I have raised my hands and my voice to God and expressed to Him that it wasn't fair and how angry it had made me. My wife and I experienced this 5 times. Four (4) of them over a 3 year period between 1997 and 1999.

My brother and his wife experienced this as many times with one exception. They too had a child who was prematurely born and died very soon after birth. In both cases we were trying to get pregnant and have our families. My brother and his wife had a daughter, adopted two others, then had a son. They are now busy with three children that are 3 years old or younger, and feel very blessed. My wife and I were finally blessed in '00 with a son. He is our miracle child. In '03, we experienced another miscarriage. This was the hardest of all of them. This pregnancy was further along than any other time when we experienced a miscarriage, and it was the first time that we knew without going to the doctor for verification that we had miscarried. The visual evidence was clear and without question. I can still see that child's 2.5" body, as if it happened yesterday, lying in the semi clear water at the bottom of the toilet bowl, and weeping for another child I would never see become a person. The numbness, the buzzing feeling in your heart, the hurt and the memory are still very much a part of me today.

To the children who never take a breath; Our hearts ache for the memories of you that we will never have and for the memories of you we do have.