Brothers...
I caught one of my five younger brothers online last night on chat. I asked how he was doing to start the conversation and an hour later we both had laughed and cried. A quick note about my siblings: I have six brothers and one sister and of my siblings, one has the same mom and the same father I have. He is no more special than any of my other siblings because of this, I am only trying to explain the dynamic of my family... ok, I better explain all of them.
My mother and father divorced when I was four, I was the oldest of my brother and I. Both my mother and father both re-married within a year and - Poof! I had a new older brother and sister. Another year later, I had two new baby brothers that were a month apart from each other. Seven years later, my mother divorced. She remarried several years later and Wala! Two more step brothers. My older brother and sister (yes, they were step...) brought the brothers together to explain our parents were having problems, and just because they decided they couldn't be family anymore, didn't mean we would stop being family... and we never have.
Back to Brothers...
My brothers have a great appreciation for family and what it means to be close even if the circumstances don't allow for daily or weekly conversation. I recently wrote about visiting my sister in California. My sister (ex-step sister, if it allows you to follow the dynamic outlined above) taught me how to ride a bike, was one of my primary caregivers when I was a toddler, and became my best friend at one of the toughest times in my life. It was my sister that gave me a foundation in the Bible and talked to me about the Lord (thanks Lori, this plug was for you!). Enough about my sister, back to my brother.
I am close with most of my brothers. We went through very tough times together and were there to comfort each other. When I was 10 I started doing my own laundry, cooking, and taking care of my brothers in the evenings after school. I did this until I was fourteen. Then by a decision of the court, one of my brothers and I moved to live with my father, while my younger brother (on my mothers side) moved to live with his father.
My family, in one giant snap, fragmented and my young brother of 8 years old, lost both of his older brothers and mother that he lived, up till then, with his entire life. The fracturing of our family was the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to deal with. I didn't feel it was my fault and I never placed blame on myself. But I did make myself responsible for making sure that no matter what our living arrangements were, my brothers were always going to be my brothers.
So. I chatted with one of my brothers online the other night and told him of my blog. A couple of hours later, shortly after midnight, the same brother emailed me. With his permission, perhaps I will post his email here, but his words strengthened me and echoed the words of our younger brother just a few days before.
To my brothers: Kingsley, Tom, Aaron, Willy, and yes, even to Keith and Jeff....
Half of you have the same family blood in your veins as I do, but it doesn't matter. The bond we share is one that is not to be taken lightly. Whether it's Lori or you guys, the bond we share transcends blood lines. Remember, if you need me, I will be there. Isn't that what family is for?
Yes. I believe it is.
I love you all.
Kev
8 comments:
What a great post and tribute to your family.
After my parents split my dad remarried, and I gained a step brother and sister to whom I am not close with. I blame this on my dad as we are not close either. I would give anything to have formed the bonds that you have with your brothers and sisters.
Hi Michelle,
It was due the acts of my older and now ex-stepbrother and ex-step-sister that kept us close even after our respective parents divorced. That was the example I used for myself when did the same for my younger brothers.
This is also directly related to views on marriage. There is no way I was ever going to be responsible for putting a child through what I went through. Something I made clear to my wife when we were still dating.
Divorce is hard, as I know you know. How old were you when your parents divorced and your dad remarried?
I was 16 when he left and about 25 when he remarried. The divorice was not a drama battle and I was happy to see him go due to what he was doing to my mom. The first year was great, my brother and I spent a lot of time with him and the new family but after that he just stopped calling and returning my calls. My brother and he are still close to this day, I just never figured out what I did wrong for him to stop caring.
As difficult as it was for me going thru divorce and remarriage being as young as I was... it must have been awkward to go thru that being so much older?
Perhaps it isn't anything you've done... maybe it's who you remind him of? Your mother perhaps?
Geesh.... don't mean to sound like dr. phil. I'll stop while I'm ahead.
ok now you have done it... I am crying!
What a family story! You should write a book... it sounds like it could be a movie even! I am so envious of that family bond!! How are the siblings relationships with all the step parents and parents? Are they as functional as your relationships??
I too come from a divorsed family. My parents had both been married before, but divorsed when I was 5 and my brother was 1. It was an ugly bitter sinful divorse and left scars that ultimately were part of why my brother took his life (he just couldnt get past all of his anger and baggage... there were MANY other issues but it was a biggie!)
My Dad remarried for a 3rd time and that lasted 27 years. My step Mom and he adopted my other brother when I was 10 he was a newborn from Columbia, South America. My Dad and his new family called one Friday to tell my brother and I that he wouldnt be picking us up for the weekend visit as he was moving to Florida. We then began seeing each other twice a year.
My (step although I dont normally refer to him that way)brother and I were never close until 2 years ago. There were 10 years between us and lots of baggage. I think we both matured. I loosened up (part of the midlife crisis I think) and he matured a bit (a small bit but enough! lol) My Dad and Stepmom divorsed about 8 years ago. Neither is remarried at this point, both have significant others though.
Gosh that was way long... but with that all being said I dont think that my parents should have remained together. They were far too volitile and selfish. I just think they should have been mature about the divorse and handled their choices differently. They really made bad choices... All of the adults involved!
I swore never to do that to my kids too. I too had that conversation with my spouse when we were dating. That being said,I would never let it get that bad at home and just stay together for the sake of not wanting to divorse. I think you cant know what you will do until you are forced to make that call... then you do the best you can. I hope with all my heart that I am never there... forced to make a decision. I never thought I would have even gotten close... but things happen and life is fluid.
Great post!
Thanks for your comment today btw
First and most Importantly: when introducing any of my siblings, whether ex-step, step, half, or full, I refer to them as my brother or my sister... no different than if they had been adopted into the family.
For many years the parents couldn't be in the same room together....
As far as us kids...(that's a laugh, we were more adult than the parents at times..)we had no problems being in the same room and having family relationship bonds with the parent(s). I grew up calling my step-dad 'dad. Even though he is no longer my step-dad, I call him "dad" when I talk to him. Not to take anything away from my real dad. I call him dad as well and have a very close relationship to him (now, anyway).
As far as the other siblings, it depends on the sibling. One of my younger brothers (has the same mom, different dad) used to work with me for my dad and even attended family gatherings for that side of my family. This past Thanksgiving, I took my fam to spend an evening with my ex-step dad, ex-step brother, half-brother, and ex-step niece.
When my son turned 3, we had a birthday party for him and invited everyone from all sides. The people that were family to him! Everyone came. Our parents, step parents, ex-step parents, in laws, and even my sister in-laws parents.
It was as exciting for my son as it was weird for us 'kids'!
--
The family dynamic you experienced must have been very difficult. I am so sorry about your brother, it makes me filled with sorrow.
Individuals who not experienced divorce or court custody battles, have no comprehension of what divorce does to a child and, why the usually enter a divorce more bitter than someone who has experienced it.
While I agree we never know may come, we can definitely be sure that we CAN control what we as individuals do. As for me, as long as I do what needs to be done to keep my marriage intact, then if it fails, it won't be my fault... here we go with puppy love thing again!!
You have strong convictions. I admire that. I think that its a rare thing too so keep that attitude going big guy! Its great and your family is lucky to have you... but I am sure they know that! =]]]
Thank you for appreciating and seeing my convictions Kate!
Be blessed.
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